Macarena Cartoon

Bob and Horsey... By Nic

 

20 (or so) questions answered

I came across this and it made me laugh. They don't mention the need for a yellow, rubber parking mat, but I'm sure it was just an oversight.

By Steven Cole Smith

Orlando Sentinel

March 31, 2007

Answers to common questions heard while driving a 2007 Cadillac Escalade ESV:
No, it does not have its own ZIP code.
No, you can't actually see the fuel gauge go down when you stomp on the accelerator. Almost, maybe, but no.
Yes, you do feel a little like breaking into a rap song while driving it.
Yes, I feel a bit guilty, but that's true with everything. Woody Allen has less guilt than I do.
I really have no idea how many cows died to upholster all these seats.
It weighs almost three tons.
403 horsepower.
13 miles per gallon in the city, 19 on the highway. Yes, I know that is just the EPA estimate. Yes, I know that "my mileage may differ." It does, in fact.
The gas tank holds 31 gallons. At $2.60 a gallon, that would be $80 to fill it up.
Yes, I am rich. Quite rich. Now go away.
Indeed, there is a very long list of problems with the 2007 Cadillac Escalade ESV; however, none concern the vehicle itself. It is, in fact, pretty excellent. It might be, in fact, the best big SUV built. Certainly I can't think of one I would prefer over the Escalade ESV.
But you might find yourself justifying the ESV, especially if your seat is the only one of the eight that is occupied, and you aren't towing a horse trailer, and you aren't carrying groceries to the nearest food bank.
The Environmental Protection Agency's Web site, fueleconomy.gov, breaks it down for you. The Escalade ESV's "energy score" is 22.8, representing how many barrels of oil per year the average driver will use. The Toyota Prius' energy score is 6.2 barrels. Apparently, this is like golf: Low score wins. Luckily, I don't play golf.
The ESV is the largest of the three Escalade models. The EXT is the one with the little pickup bed, like the Chevrolet Avalanche. The regular Escalade is like the Chevrolet Tahoe and GMC Yukon. And the ESV is 21 inches longer than the regular Escalade, about the size of a Chevrolet Suburban, upon which the ESV is based. This means that you have three usable rows of seats and still have 45.8 cubic feet of storage space in the back, with all seats occupied.
To the driver, the ESV feels smaller than it is, and I mean that as a compliment. Handling is surprisingly good, though enter a tight corner quickly, and there's no way to mask the inertia. The engine is just superb, and the six-speed automatic transmission could not be much better. No one, I mean no one, is building a better truck powertrain.
Inside, there's luxury, without being tacky or ostentatious. DVD players, a navigation system, lots of air bags and electronic safety features -- if General Motors makes it, it is probably here.
And the price reflects it, though it's pretty close to the competition. Base price on the all-wheel-drive ESV is $59,470, and the test model lists for $69,675. You can save money if, say, you don't want heated and cooled seats, but who doesn't?
I do. And that's the last question I'm answering.

These should be standard issue...

I love my truck. Sure, it's short on storage and I feel like throwing a party when I eek out 13 miles per gallon. Yes, it takes forever to fill the tank with premium fuel and I feel a little in-your-face when I catch someone looking at me.

But it goes fast and has a growling noise that accompanies it. It holds all my kids, my double stroller, AND groceries. It has rain sensing wipers and dark sensing high beam lights. It has bling. It's also long.

It's quite long.

And up until this week, parking it in my garage must have been quite a site to watch. I'd pull in and put it in park, hop out and run to the back to make sure the entire truck was inside the garage. Not in yet, jump back into the drivers seat and pull up a little more. If I pulled in too far, I'd bump the dog crate and scratch the front of my rig. (Or as I thought I might refer to it, my pig, although that name hasn't really stuck yet.) If I was in, I'd have to make sure it was enough that the kids could make it around the back and not rub against the wet/dirty bumper. It was a fine line between being in and running into things.

Until now. Now I have what should come with every big truck. If you spend enough on a vehicle that you could buy a house in your home town, it should come with this. A parking mat. Yup. There is it. A yellow, rubber parking mat.

Now I pull in like a pro. I go over the first bump, but not the second. The dog crate doesn't move because I don't bump it. The kids can get around the truck. I can actually get out of the truck and turn it off. My neighbors are probably sad that the Great Chambers Parking Experience is over. They have Mike to thank. Thanks, Mike P!

If only we could cover all of the curbs so I don't bang up my wheels on them...The world really needs more rubber and less concrete.

For the love of Smarties

No, not those chalky ones that come in the tube shape wrapper that we used to write on the sidewalk with as kids. You know, the ones we used to write on top of ants with, and then eat? Not those.

These are squashed flat M&M's that have a thicker candy shell, bright colors, and chocolat au lait. Not just chocolate, but chocolat au lait, I say!

These, I admit, played a larger roll than you'd think in deciding to go to Vancouver, Canada.

We haven't been for years but I had memories of a pretty good time from our last trip. Funny how time does that, huh? It's been at least 3 years and probably more since we drove up there. That means 3+ years without Smarties. I do have a friend that is from Canada and goes up every month or so, and she even brought me some Smarties back one time, but I don't talk to her much and feel a little strange calling her up and asking for a Smartie fix. Plus, they are quite expensive. A little box of them is $1.19 canadian, which converts to just about $1.19 which is a lot to spend on something I can eat in about 30 seconds and then want more of.

Anyway, the trip this time was fine. But I'm not going back for a while. Crossing the border takes far too much time. The return back into the US was estimated at 2 hours. Two hours, sitting in the truck, scooting up 10 feet or so every 3 minutes. It's not like you can leave a marker in line and go and do something else. You are a prisoner in your car until it's your turn to get the third degree about why you're going to Canada, where you're going to stay, how long you're staying. What do you do for a living? I love my Smarties but it'll be a few years before I forget how annoying the border crossing is and want to go back.

The highlight was finding out my new truck can switch from standard measurement to metric. From miles to kilometers. With a push of a couple of buttons, it went from 72 degrees to 20 degrees Celsius, which I wasn't sure if that was a nice day or not. The navigation system started telling me to turn in 2 kilometers. I have no idea how far that is. But, when the speed limit said 100 KmH, I actually got to see my speedometer go to over 100. Not going to be seeing that anytime again soon. That's okay, they tried to teach me the metric system back in elementary school but it didn't stick.

So I'll try to save my Smarties that I brought home with me until I forget how annoying Canada can be and maybe next time I'll bring along an extra suitcase just for Smarties.

My New Favorite TV Shows.. and why I'm brilliant

I'm a big fan of House. I love that show, even though the premise is always the same. Someone gets sick and House finds out why and typically is able to fix them by the end of the show. Gordon Ramsey is great on Hell's Kitchen, too, but you see more of the aspiring chefs than you see Ramsey. Kind of like watching Survivor if you really like Jeff Probst. I even heard Bob, Spike and Joe on the radio last week, playing an interview from a little boy who was lost in the mountains, forest, I don't know. The kid was lost for days and said he survived on berries and his own spit. He said he learned how to survive by watching Man versus Wild. Makes me think I should add that to my tivo list, but really, how likely am I to get lost in the wild and have to learn to use my pee wisely? There are two shows that I'm watching now that prove I'm brilliant.

West Wing

This show seems to have been on during the late 90's but I never watched it. I don't even remember hearing a lot about it. We've just started watching it on DVD from Netflix and it's a GREAT show! I really like all of the actors and I can hardly wait to watch it each night. I've given up on having other DVD's from Netflix in the house because I don't want to run out of West Wings to watch. Finishing a DVD on Saturday night means days without West Wing.

Now, the reason this show makes me brilliant is because I know it goes for like, 7 seasons, and it's not going to get really dumb and get canceled. Like when Digger was chasing Dominic Purcell on the show John Doe that was canceled. Why was Digger chasing him?? Digger was his only friend! We'll never know because the show got dropped and I wasted that part of my life wondering about John Doe only to have to make up my own ending. I can still see Dominic Purcell on Prison Break, which is also a great show, but how long are they going to be able to run. A lot of the guys have already been killed so I'm worried about where this show is going, too. But not West Wing. I know West Wing will keep going because my Netflix que is filled with the DVD's.

The Lyric Shows

There are two of them, I don't recall the names but I prefer the one with Wayne Brady over the strange little in sync guy. Wayne Brady doesn't need women dressed as bees in the background, and the dude can dance! This show may be short lived but I like it because I'm good at it. It's not like Jeopardy where I know none of the answers. I don't know history or geography. But man, do I know my song lyrics. Turns out I even know the lyrics to obscure Barry Manilow songs. So this show makes me feel really smart. Rob, who knows a few words of the chorus isn't as thrilled with the show as I am, but I could watch it all night. After I've watched a few West Wings, that is.